Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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