when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
