Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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