Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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