That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
