that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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