My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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