My hand turned me down
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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