Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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