I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
