from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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