my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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