I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
