i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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