im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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