Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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