there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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