Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Randomize
