I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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