just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
bring money and cleavage
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
