The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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