I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
