Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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