Barsexuality is the new black.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
