I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
