Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
