and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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