the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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