i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
