I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
