there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
