Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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