it's too hot outside to masturbate.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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