I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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