He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
