just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
