i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
