After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
