don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
