I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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