I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize