I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
