Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
