Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
