she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You made out with two different species that night
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
