When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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