Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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