I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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