Welp...herpes.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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