i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
