Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Small penises have feelings too.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
