well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
