I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
