It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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