Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
should my penis look like a turkey
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize