Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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