Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
