Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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