turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
