I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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