am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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