Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
When did we convert life to cartoon?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
