My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
